30 yrs of marriage…
One day, two guys Joe and Bob were out fishing. A funeral service passes over the bridge they’re fishing by, and Bob takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. He does this until the funeral service passes by.
Joe then said “Gee Bob, I didn’t know you had it in you!”
Bob then replies ” It’s the least I could do. After all I was married to her for 30 years.”
THREE BLONDES FISHING
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.” We don’t have any.” replied the first blonde.
“Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses.” said the Game Warden. “But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden, “take all the debris you want.” And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two, “doesn’t he know that there are steelhead in this river?!”
20 Reasons WHY FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX
#20 – No matter how much whiskey you’ve had, you can still Fish.
#19 – A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.
#18 – You don’t have to hide your Fishing magazines.
#17 – It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with
you once in a while.
#16 – The Ten Commandments don’t say anything against Fishing.
#15 – If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing,
you don’t have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you
#14 – Your Fishing partner doesn’t get upset about people you Fished
with long ago.
#13 – It’s perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
#12 – When you see a really good Fishing person, you don’t have to
feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
#11 – If your regular Fishing partner isn’t available, he/she won’t
object if you Fish with someone else.
#10 – Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish
#9 – When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if
they are really an undercover cop.
#8 – You don’t have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood
to buy Fishing stuff.
#7 – You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office,
tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without
getting sued for harassment.
#6 – There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
#5 – If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don’t have to
subscribe to the Playboy channel.
#4 – Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest
of your life.
#3 – Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses
interest in it.
#2 – You don’t have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to
enjoy your favorite activity.
#1 – Your Fishing partner will never say, “Not again? We just
Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?”
FISHING OR SEX?
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.
Second guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I’ll build her a new deck for the pool.
Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I’ll remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to fish when they realized the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 AM. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Fishing or Sex” and she said, “Wear a sweater.”
You might be a fisherman if…
1) You have a power worm dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.
2) Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.
3) You call your boat “sweetheart” and your wife “skeeter”.
4) Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.
5) You keep a flippin stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.
6) You name your black lab “Mercury” and your cat “Evinrude”.
7) Bass Pro Shop has a private line just for you.
8) You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.
9) You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family.
10) You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal.
11) You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.
12) You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.
13) You think there are four seasons–Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting.
14) Your $30,000 bass boat’s trailer needs new tires so you just “borrow” the ones off your house.
15) You trade your wife’s van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage.
16) Your kids know it’s Saturday—Because the boats gone.
10 Common Fishing Terms Explained
Angler An obsessed individual who owns a house that is falling down due to neglect, a truck whose color can best be described as Rust-Oleum, and a pristine boat that he chamois’ down methodically before and after each trip.
Knot (1) An insecure connection between your hook and fishing line. (2) A permanent tangle on your spinning reel which forces you to go out and buy a bigger, better, much more expensive rig.
Landing Net A net used to help drag a large wiggling fish, or an inebriated fishing buddy, on board.
Live Bait The biggest fish you’ll handle all day.
Quiet Water Your surroundings after you stop cursing your bad luck and fall asleep at the reel.
Skunked fisherman One who returns to the boat ramp many, many hours after his buddies have gone home so that there are no witnesses to his catch or lack thereor.
Sinker (1) A weight attached to a lure to get it to the bottom. (2) The nickname of your boat.
Thumb A temporary hook holder.
Treble Hook Triples the odds of your catching a fish. Quadruples the odds of your getting the hook caught in your thumb (see above).
Trolling What you do after you’ve lost a $500 rod and reel set-up overboard.
10. You have more fish on your wall than pictures.9. You’re raising catfish in your bathtub.8. Your wife has earrings that you use as fishing lures.7. You’ve ever combed your hair with a fish scaler.6. You video tape fishing shows.5. You received a tube of crickets as a wedding present.4. You keep bait in your refrigerator.3. Your boat hasn’t left your driveway in years.
2. You’ve used your fishing license as a form of I.D.
1. YOU HAVE YOUR PICTURE TAKEN WITH OTHER PEOPLE’S FISH.
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent
an agent out to investigate him.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me
New rod & reel
A woman goes into a shop to buy a rod and reel as a gift
She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter where there’s a shop assistant wearing dark shades. “Excuse me sir” she says “can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
The assistant replies “Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.”
She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line…It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s only $20.00”.
The lady said, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it.”
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her…being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.
The assistant rings up the sale and says, “That will be $25.50.”
She says, “But didn’t you say it was $20.00?”
“Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.”